My Normal!

On this Mother's Day, I reflect on what has become "normal" to me.

• Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetary for Christmas, birthday,Valentine's day, and Easter.
• Normal is that extra choclate Easter bunny sitting on the counter because you always get your children a choclate bunny, and this year you still bought one for the one who is not here.
• Normal is taking a happy family trip to Disneyland or Disney World and wanting for your kids to experience everything that makes them happy, because you know that your angel would of had the same expressions.
• Normal is avoiding the cemetary side of town, cause it causes so much pain just to see the area.
• Normal is questioning if you are the only one feeling like this?
• Normal is going everyday with your family not understanding why you are so different, but you know that it is not their fault they dont understand.
• Normal is trying to stay so busy that you dont have a second to think about what happened.
• Normal is trying to avoid a funeral for fear of you being more upset than the immediate family of the deceased.
• Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming cause you just don't like to sit through church anymore. And yet feeling like you have more faith and belief in God than you ever have had before.
• Normal is going to bed feeling like your kids who are alive got cheated out of happy cheerful parents and instead they are stuck with sober, cautious people.
• Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your families' life.
• Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand 'what if's' and 'why didn't I's' go through your head constantly.
• Normal is having the TV on the minute you wake up and the last thing on before you go to sleep at night,the need for noise because the silence is deafening.
• Normal is being afraid of your death at the same time of being okay with it since you will get to go see your angel again.
• Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.
• Normal is telling the story of your babies death as if it were an everyday common place activity and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing it has become part of our normal.
• Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday, and trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
• Normal is not having a joyous anniversary since it is your angel's birthday. How can you be happy on a sad day?
• Normal is being impatient with everything, but someone who is stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
• Normal is your child already knowing about death since the age of 3.
• Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother and meeting for coffee and talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
• Normal is crying at every program your child is in because you know that your angel could of been up there singing and dancing, but he's not.
• Normal is explaining to your child's teachers at a religious school that if they talk about Heaven, then expect to hear about a brother whom they have never met, and to believe that child, cause he is telling the truth.
• Normal is trying to explain to people why I talk about my angel so much, and not having them feel uncomfortable.
• Normal is forcing yourself to spend Holidays with other family members, though all you want to do is be with your kids and husband.
• Normal is being so excited to have your third child but still wanting your second back.
• Normal is not wanting friends to tiptoe around you when discussing kids or pregnancy.
• Normal is not having patience with your oldest because they don't understand why they shouldn't take things for granted.
• Normal is having people call your son by your angel's name by accident and then reassuring them that it is okay, cause it really is, because that means that they think of him too.
• Normal is being happy, but so fearful of someone who has just told me that they are pregnant.
• Normal is trying not to be pissed off when someone says that they have experienced death of a close family member like a parent who was elderly and had a FULL life, and saying that they understand. NOT REALLY!
• Normal is seeing the funeral home employee around town and wondering what he is thinking of you, since he watched you dress & hold your angel while trying to stay calm for his sake.
• Normal is having your husband walk into a room, notice that your eyes are puffy and him knowing exactly why you have been crying.
• Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have 2 or 3 children because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that one of them is in heaven. And yet when you say only 2 to avoid that problem you feel horrible as if you have betrayed that child.
• Normal is trying to explain to your child that their brother is in heaven, but we go see him at the cemetary.
• And last of all normal is hiding all the things that have become normal for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal" and you havent changed, but you really have.

I have always been the happy friend & the outgoing person, So this is probably your first time to see the real me since August 1, 2005. These things are what is 'normal' for me now.